Coco-Nuts!

This post is in response to the “how I’m weird” post that Tiffany wrote about in her list at Previously On…, wherein she states:
“I’m a texture-based eater. I don’t like foods that are rubbery (mushrooms), slimy (avacadoes/guacamole), and whatever texture coconut is.”

Did you catch that last part? About coconut? This must be the most vile “food” there is. I am convinced that it is so damn hard to get to the “meat” of a coconut (I have always hated that expression as applied to fruits and vegetables) for a reason—we shouldn’t be getting in there at all. You practically need a jackhammer to get in there and once inside, the stuff is just gross. For years, my Dad Eric has faked an allergy to coconut so that he doesn’t have to eat it. And I wholeheartedly agree. That shit is nasty. The texture is stringy and dry. And someone will invariably say, “Oh, but not FRESH coconut.” Which merits the response, “It’s still the same damn stuff.” If you say, “I hate apricots,” I don’t say, “But you haven’t tried DRIED apricots!” For some reason, people are insistent that you keep trying coconut whenever they’ve baked it in something, as if you won’t be able to tell its distinctive, rotten flavor. Dad Mike will wail that this is all untrue—hogwash and lies, so to back things up, I did a little research online, and we all know that if it’s on “the internets” then it must be true. So here, right out of Wikipedia’s entry, little known facts about coconut:

1. The origins of this plant are the subject of controversy with some authorities claiming it is native to southeast Asia, while others claim its origin is in northwestern South America. Fossil records from New Zealand indicate that small, coconut-like plants grew there as far back 15 million years ago.

2. When viewed on end, the endocarp and germination pores resemble the face of a monkey, the Portuguese word for which is macaco, sometimes abbreviated to coco, hence the name of the fruit. The specific name nucifera is Latin for nut bearing. Speaking of nuts, why does this remind me of an idiot named Senator George Allen?

3. Scientific studies have shown that consumption of coconut is tied to increased impotency. And baldness. And bad breath. And uncontrollable flatulence.

4. Over 90% of the population is allergic to coconut and don’t even know it.

5. Coconut oil is has the highest concentration of trans fat of all the oils you can cook or bake with. (And coconut milk is 17% fat!)

6. The makers of Almond Joy and Mounds, after many hours of deliberation, decided to cut the end of their ORIGINAL famous candy bar tagline: “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t, but either way both of these candy bars taste like shit.”

7. The first person to wear a coconut bra on TV was Milton Berle in drag pretending to hit on George Burns on the Jack Parr show.

8. Coconut is also commonly used as a herbal remedy in Pakistan to treat bites from rats.

9. “I’m Coco-Nuts for You!” is a little-known Jimmy Buffet song that didn’t crack Billboards Top 100 when it was released in 2000, but remains a fan favorite from his “Yet More Songs From Margaritaville Again” album.

10. Coconut is the lowest selling Yoplait yogurt flavor, but it is kept in production due to a high volume of sales in the country of Pakistan (get it? If not, please see, #8)

11. Isaac Newton developed his theory of gravity after being hit by a falling coconut (while on vacation in the South Pacific), not by an apple as is usually told.

12. Some political activists have recently adopted the cream pie as a weapon of protest, to be thrown into the face of one's unsuspecting opponent. One team of such protesters, known as Al Pieda, operate primarily against right-wing public figures in the United States. (this is completely true.) In fact, when Anita Bryant was “pied” the flavor was coconut cream (probably not true, but great trivia).

13. And finally, that crazy Cocoa Puffs cereal bird was supposed to say “I’m cookoo for coco-nut!” for “Coco-Nut Puffs” but General Mills found that all the kids they tested the product on but one liked chocolate more than coconut. That one kid was taken out and shot by firing squad in Utah.