Coco-Nuts!

This post is in response to the “how I’m weird” post that Tiffany wrote about in her list at Previously On…, wherein she states:
“I’m a texture-based eater. I don’t like foods that are rubbery (mushrooms), slimy (avacadoes/guacamole), and whatever texture coconut is.”

Did you catch that last part? About coconut? This must be the most vile “food” there is. I am convinced that it is so damn hard to get to the “meat” of a coconut (I have always hated that expression as applied to fruits and vegetables) for a reason—we shouldn’t be getting in there at all. You practically need a jackhammer to get in there and once inside, the stuff is just gross. For years, my Dad Eric has faked an allergy to coconut so that he doesn’t have to eat it. And I wholeheartedly agree. That shit is nasty. The texture is stringy and dry. And someone will invariably say, “Oh, but not FRESH coconut.” Which merits the response, “It’s still the same damn stuff.” If you say, “I hate apricots,” I don’t say, “But you haven’t tried DRIED apricots!” For some reason, people are insistent that you keep trying coconut whenever they’ve baked it in something, as if you won’t be able to tell its distinctive, rotten flavor. Dad Mike will wail that this is all untrue—hogwash and lies, so to back things up, I did a little research online, and we all know that if it’s on “the internets” then it must be true. So here, right out of Wikipedia’s entry, little known facts about coconut:

1. The origins of this plant are the subject of controversy with some authorities claiming it is native to southeast Asia, while others claim its origin is in northwestern South America. Fossil records from New Zealand indicate that small, coconut-like plants grew there as far back 15 million years ago.

2. When viewed on end, the endocarp and germination pores resemble the face of a monkey, the Portuguese word for which is macaco, sometimes abbreviated to coco, hence the name of the fruit. The specific name nucifera is Latin for nut bearing. Speaking of nuts, why does this remind me of an idiot named Senator George Allen?

3. Scientific studies have shown that consumption of coconut is tied to increased impotency. And baldness. And bad breath. And uncontrollable flatulence.

4. Over 90% of the population is allergic to coconut and don’t even know it.

5. Coconut oil is has the highest concentration of trans fat of all the oils you can cook or bake with. (And coconut milk is 17% fat!)

6. The makers of Almond Joy and Mounds, after many hours of deliberation, decided to cut the end of their ORIGINAL famous candy bar tagline: “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t, but either way both of these candy bars taste like shit.”

7. The first person to wear a coconut bra on TV was Milton Berle in drag pretending to hit on George Burns on the Jack Parr show.

8. Coconut is also commonly used as a herbal remedy in Pakistan to treat bites from rats.

9. “I’m Coco-Nuts for You!” is a little-known Jimmy Buffet song that didn’t crack Billboards Top 100 when it was released in 2000, but remains a fan favorite from his “Yet More Songs From Margaritaville Again” album.

10. Coconut is the lowest selling Yoplait yogurt flavor, but it is kept in production due to a high volume of sales in the country of Pakistan (get it? If not, please see, #8)

11. Isaac Newton developed his theory of gravity after being hit by a falling coconut (while on vacation in the South Pacific), not by an apple as is usually told.

12. Some political activists have recently adopted the cream pie as a weapon of protest, to be thrown into the face of one's unsuspecting opponent. One team of such protesters, known as Al Pieda, operate primarily against right-wing public figures in the United States. (this is completely true.) In fact, when Anita Bryant was “pied” the flavor was coconut cream (probably not true, but great trivia).

13. And finally, that crazy Cocoa Puffs cereal bird was supposed to say “I’m cookoo for coco-nut!” for “Coco-Nut Puffs” but General Mills found that all the kids they tested the product on but one liked chocolate more than coconut. That one kid was taken out and shot by firing squad in Utah.

How I am Weird

Mags, from You forgot Poland!, tagged me with this question to answer here on my blog, about “How I am Weird.” Well here is my list:

1. Nature is my personal bathroom. How many of you have pooped outside with everyone looking? (and if you anwered yes to that, you BETTER have been on a camping trip) My Dad Eric generally does not walk me on busy streets for two very important reasons: first, he feels I should have a modicum of privacy “in the loo” and second, he figures people in cars going by while he is picking up my business are thinking the same thing, “you poor, poor bastard with a plastic bagful of shit.”

2. I have what some have referred to as a “cow belly.” This consists of a very pink, healthy hued skin that is relatively furless and has black and brown spotty patches, sort of like, well…a cow. (no udders, but plenty of nipples)

3. I run at top speed for no apparent reason at all. Give me a large area and I will rival a cheetah with how fast I can go. Of course when I decide to stop, I pant like crazy and need TONS of water…which brings me to another oddity. I refuse to drink water at moments like this if I am directed to the waterbowl by anyone. I only drink on my own terms, preferably when no ones looking. Unless I am deathly thirsty!

4. Getting back to the pooping theme (and I promise this will be the last), I once attempted to eat out of a cat’s litter box. I was caught red-handed (or a better cliche would be "with a shit-eating grin") and I had litter all in my eyes and around my mouth. Busted. I know it’s a gross habit, but mmmm, tasty! (I could also tell you about how I love to roll in bunny shit which then gets me a quick trip to an oatmeal bath (which I hate)...but enough about this crap)

5. I once had fleas, and was ashamed to admit it and ask for help. Fortunately my Dad Eric picked up on the scratching and irritated skin. They had even advantixed me earlier in the month but it must have worn off and the vet said fleas are “bad this year.” I don’t feel so bad about being in the closet about my previous infestation because Dad Mike always denies it too. But I am happy to report I am flea-free today, my 20th day.

6. Oh, and lastly, Shirley McLaine told me that in my previous life I hung out with Andy Warhol and Liza Minnelli at Studio 54.

Apartment INSIDE!

So here's a pic of Dad Mike inside our new home. He's in the living room with some of the stuff from our old place all moved in. The Dads took all our stuff up last weekend in a big Budget truck. Ask them about it and they will tell you what an experience it was...especially turning it around in a field outside the hotel because they couldn't back it up since the car was hitched to the back!
Notice the cool new carpet Dad Mike bought for me to lay on so I don't get cold paws on the hardwood floor! Yay! Go Dad! Maybe next week I'll blog about his new job...

New place!

I apologize for not updating this in a few weeks, but here is the exciting news! Our family is moving to Boston, Massachusetts!! (Does this make me a Boston terrier technically now?) Here are pictures of Dad Mike in front of our new house...#12 is now home! It is a huge place with beautiful hardwood floors for my nails to scratch up. We have a great new landlord named Joanne. Most of our stuff is moved into the new apartment, but for now I am staying at Grandma's house until Dad Eric finishes his job and can move to Boston. I can't wait for our 8 hour car ride together! I can pee at every rest stop from Erie to Massachussetts.